Found Object

The following is a fine example of student art done outside of art class. It was discovered by the CCA Subscription shortly before Easter break, and depicts, according to the scribbled title, the "emerging black priest." We have no freaking idea what that is. Rumors (aka we heard it straight from the horse's mouth) indicate that the drawing, done in ink on hand-out, alludes to a phrase in one of Glenn Williams' papers, in which case there is absolutely no hope of ever discerning the meaning.

NB: the artist must be an idiot because he/she/whatever drew the picture, which has the possibility of being misconstrued as racially insensitive, on a handout that was all about things which definitely were racially insensitive. Thus, to preserve the lighthearted appearance of the drawing, we have edited the canvas a bit.


If you find any other drawings done by students at inappropriate times, we would love to shamelessly copy them. Send them to theccasubscription@gmail.com.

JUICE.

Gut the Goths!

[CCA Gymnasium; Monday, March 19 2007; 5:15PM] The CCA Visigoths vs CCA Falcons game, rescheduled to today due to snow last Friday, has yielded exciting results. Much of the school was in attendance, along with many parents and students from other schools. So many, in fact, that the stage was completely full and the soda machine nearly empty, except for real juice and probably water. Younger students filled the stairways and sidelines screeching as loudly as possible (I think I can hear from both ears now). Older students were seen yelling loudly and attempting to corrupt grammar school students into chanting “Gut the Goths!” throughout the game. Our Board President was seen under cover of the Falcons mascot dancing around during the final quarter of the game and for some time afterwards.

As this was a paid-admission athletic event (“Admission: $2, Benefits the boys' basketball program”), regulations prohibit us unofficial journalists from releasing official statistics, including final score. Don't believe me? Just check the back of any professional sports admission ticket. Anyway, legal technicalities aside, the Falcons were ahead for much of the game and did beat the Visigoths in the end. This, of course, means the students will get a prize. A certain prize for the first time in CCA history, actually.

“There will be a day without uniforms” Dr. Perrin was overheard saying after the Visigoths' defeat. As of press time, we do not know what this will entail. However, students are already planning what to wear on the so-called “Dress Down Day”. A student who was interviewed stated that he will “wear a suit on the dress-down day.” Your author finds this to be very dumb (VD, not to be confused with Valedictorian) and agrees with others will no doubt be wearing “a pair of jeans, sneakers, and a cool tee-shirt” or quite possibly the 'classic' CCA uniform, before the radical changes. Whatever you do, enjoy your dress down day. Goooo Falcons!

A Typical CCA Grammar School or School-wide Assembly

As happened this morning.

1. Dr. Perrin begins by saying "Good Morning!" to the grammar school students in at least 4 to 10 languages, including his favorites: Latin (Salvete!), Spanish (Bonus Dias!), and German (Gutten Morghin! or however you spell that).
2. The actual content takes place. This morning it was an award.
2.1 Student (with parents if they are present) and Administrator come up, explains award.
2.2 Dr. Perrin dumbs it down so the grammar school can understand it.
2.3 Dr. Perrin rehashes the same speech(1) about how this academic excellance came to be: It was the school, wait, no...It was the student's teachers, no, not that either...It was the student's parents, no, not really...It was the student working hard, yes, but...It was God who gave the student his/her gifts, and we are greatful for that. God has given each one of us gifts...
3. Prayer by Dr. Perrin, beginning with "Father, we thank you for..."
4. Closing hymn, "Gloria Patri", this time melody #73.5
End of assembly.
Footnote 1: The core theme and examples in this speech were previously given at the Open House and Basketball Banquet.

The 2007 Senior Thesis: A Retrospective

In honor of this momentous occasion forever engraved upon our class’s history, it is imperative for us to take a deep breath, blow our noses, and reflect on the last two semesters in which we worked like whoa. While other seniors across the country are coloring inside the lines with Crayolas, we have surpassed the work of any other student, present or past. Yes, even Dave Barry.

We have nearly broken our backs from the 35 lb. backpacks overflowing with research and outlines and edited sections and drafts, not to mention the rhetoric textbooks. It’s a good thing Sharon Crowley and Debra Hawhee (hehe) aren’t grading these beasts, for if you failed to mention hate speech (aka. bananas, elephants, or orangutans) you would surely fail and be doomed to expound on that subject forever. The black book of death and destruction wouldn’t help you either.

We’ve learned that the MLA format truly stands for the Most Lame Assemblage. Spending gazillions of hours looking up whether a period or comma follows the publication date, some of us have come close to chucking the paperback across the room, hoping that it would somehow shatter into a million pieces. Some might have even considered the paper shredder or garbage disposal.

We’ll probably be hunchbacks for spending such time staring into computer screens and permanently wear dark circles under our eyes for four-hour nights. Not to mention the caffeine addiction and premature wrinkles.

So as we presently stand like Augustine once did, with one foot in the final draft and the other in the speech, let us remember that shiny, hallowed parchment to which we strive and for which we perspire.

Cheers.

Breaking News at the Basketball Banquet

[CCA Cafeteria; Friday, Feb. 23, 2006; 6PM] Attendees of the Basketball Banquet this evening heard news of the possibility of something CCA students have been trying desperately to receive without success in the ten year history of the school. Throughout the speeches during the event, many spoke about the “three-year young” basketball program and how it has gained popularity, especially over the past year. Winning the Sword and Shield Tournament against Veritas Academy of Lancaster was a great advance for our basketball teams, as Team Captain Dan Alexandre said one of his goals for this year was to “Win at least one game in the Sword and Shield Tournament,” adding “I think we've accomplished that” while pointing to the trophy in front of the podium. This is indeed important news for the basketball and future sports programs at CCA. However, this does not have the significance of another important piece of news that surfaced during this monumental event.

In one—of several—speeches given by Dr. Perrin at the banquet Friday night, our reporter tells us he talked of the plans to form an adult CCA basketball team, comprised mainly of players' parents, but also some CCA staff. Dr. Larsen agreed to play, provided he received naming rights to the team. Dr. Perrin agreed to his suggestion of the “CCA Visigoths” (read: "Visi-geezers"), so Dr. Larsen will be on the team. Mr. Fox later mentioned he would consider playing as well. This team plans to take on the students basketball team on Friday, March 16?/23? after school at 4PM in the gym. The prize, if the students win, will affect the entire school Dr. Perrin said after describing how the basketball program enriches the school as a whole.

This won't be simply a pizza party for the entire school like we've had before. (Remember Seth taking an entire box to the table with his classmates?) No, if the teams are able to achieve this prize, the school will have its first-ever NON-UNIFORM DAY. That's right, Dr. Perrin told the audience that CCA would have a “relaxed day without uniforms”, the date to be picked by the students, provided it could not be a CCA Best Day. There will be some rules attached, however, but they are not likely to be extreme at the least. Just don't push the limits. Dr. Perrin did say, but retracted, that if the students team lost, every day would be a CCA Best Day.

The idea of a non-uniform day has been with the student body since the school's inception in 1997. Throughout the years, many petitions have been drawn up by students and signed by nearly the entire school, to no avail. To this day there has not been a “dress-down day” normal day at CCA, even though Veritas was rumored to get one each year. The prize to be given for this contest was unprecedented, and we must give our full support to our basketball teams in order for them to achieve this prize for the entire school. As Matthew Fox would say, “GOOOOO FALCONS!!”

(sometimes CCA students have actually been seen out of uniform...and it's really scary/gay when it happens:

or, they can be observed (secretly) in "street clothes" when trying to be "hip," i.e., worldly (!):

sad, sad, sad...)

What We Already Knew...