JUICE.

Gut the Goths!

[CCA Gymnasium; Monday, March 19 2007; 5:15PM] The CCA Visigoths vs CCA Falcons game, rescheduled to today due to snow last Friday, has yielded exciting results. Much of the school was in attendance, along with many parents and students from other schools. So many, in fact, that the stage was completely full and the soda machine nearly empty, except for real juice and probably water. Younger students filled the stairways and sidelines screeching as loudly as possible (I think I can hear from both ears now). Older students were seen yelling loudly and attempting to corrupt grammar school students into chanting “Gut the Goths!” throughout the game. Our Board President was seen under cover of the Falcons mascot dancing around during the final quarter of the game and for some time afterwards.

As this was a paid-admission athletic event (“Admission: $2, Benefits the boys' basketball program”), regulations prohibit us unofficial journalists from releasing official statistics, including final score. Don't believe me? Just check the back of any professional sports admission ticket. Anyway, legal technicalities aside, the Falcons were ahead for much of the game and did beat the Visigoths in the end. This, of course, means the students will get a prize. A certain prize for the first time in CCA history, actually.

“There will be a day without uniforms” Dr. Perrin was overheard saying after the Visigoths' defeat. As of press time, we do not know what this will entail. However, students are already planning what to wear on the so-called “Dress Down Day”. A student who was interviewed stated that he will “wear a suit on the dress-down day.” Your author finds this to be very dumb (VD, not to be confused with Valedictorian) and agrees with others will no doubt be wearing “a pair of jeans, sneakers, and a cool tee-shirt” or quite possibly the 'classic' CCA uniform, before the radical changes. Whatever you do, enjoy your dress down day. Goooo Falcons!

A Typical CCA Grammar School or School-wide Assembly

As happened this morning.

1. Dr. Perrin begins by saying "Good Morning!" to the grammar school students in at least 4 to 10 languages, including his favorites: Latin (Salvete!), Spanish (Bonus Dias!), and German (Gutten Morghin! or however you spell that).
2. The actual content takes place. This morning it was an award.
2.1 Student (with parents if they are present) and Administrator come up, explains award.
2.2 Dr. Perrin dumbs it down so the grammar school can understand it.
2.3 Dr. Perrin rehashes the same speech(1) about how this academic excellance came to be: It was the school, wait, no...It was the student's teachers, no, not that either...It was the student's parents, no, not really...It was the student working hard, yes, but...It was God who gave the student his/her gifts, and we are greatful for that. God has given each one of us gifts...
3. Prayer by Dr. Perrin, beginning with "Father, we thank you for..."
4. Closing hymn, "Gloria Patri", this time melody #73.5
End of assembly.
Footnote 1: The core theme and examples in this speech were previously given at the Open House and Basketball Banquet.

The 2007 Senior Thesis: A Retrospective

In honor of this momentous occasion forever engraved upon our class’s history, it is imperative for us to take a deep breath, blow our noses, and reflect on the last two semesters in which we worked like whoa. While other seniors across the country are coloring inside the lines with Crayolas, we have surpassed the work of any other student, present or past. Yes, even Dave Barry.

We have nearly broken our backs from the 35 lb. backpacks overflowing with research and outlines and edited sections and drafts, not to mention the rhetoric textbooks. It’s a good thing Sharon Crowley and Debra Hawhee (hehe) aren’t grading these beasts, for if you failed to mention hate speech (aka. bananas, elephants, or orangutans) you would surely fail and be doomed to expound on that subject forever. The black book of death and destruction wouldn’t help you either.

We’ve learned that the MLA format truly stands for the Most Lame Assemblage. Spending gazillions of hours looking up whether a period or comma follows the publication date, some of us have come close to chucking the paperback across the room, hoping that it would somehow shatter into a million pieces. Some might have even considered the paper shredder or garbage disposal.

We’ll probably be hunchbacks for spending such time staring into computer screens and permanently wear dark circles under our eyes for four-hour nights. Not to mention the caffeine addiction and premature wrinkles.

So as we presently stand like Augustine once did, with one foot in the final draft and the other in the speech, let us remember that shiny, hallowed parchment to which we strive and for which we perspire.

Cheers.